Doubt took a hold of me while I was blissfully warm in the shower.
Am I doing the right thing?
Why am I leaving the comfort of all I know to seek the unknown?
The smell penetrated my being, entered each cell of mine and lit me up. A scent tied to my childhood, to each one of the moments spent breathing in my native country. Perhaps an ingredient we like to use a lot? Maybe a basic odour, like a fingerprint that sets us apart, that ties together our nation.
Whatever it is, the fragrance sent me back to last summer.
The fresh bottle of cider sat on the wooden bench just outside the shower. On the other side, I sat in the hot sauna, alone. The fresh tingle in my mouth contrasted with the heat wrapping itself around my body. A slightly sour, but still sweet flavour of apple mingling with my now cooled down tongue.
Sweat accumulated on my skin, turning it into a gleaming velvety membrane. “I could sit here for an eternity,” I thought to myself as I exhaled what seemed like cold air.
Outside, the evening was finally crawling in even though the sun still resisted, refusing to go without a quiet yet spectacular sunset. The lake was still, resting from the day’s events, prepared to welcome the fishes’ nightly adventures and mirror whatever lights and stars the night would bring along.
The day before, I came back from my trip further up North just to get a chance to dive with my cousin. A man dedicated to quality and efficiency, as taught when diving with the military. It was a unique chance, a rare opportunity and I abandoned my original plans to seize it.
He looked deep into my eyes as we finally tempted going under water for the first time. He saw each emotion, each fear that went through me as I sought to convince my body to breathe under water. I let him look into me, hid nothing, just pushed further. As air gushed into my lungs amid the murky water, it seemed that my body sank into disbelief, and then became exhilarated by the rush of released beliefs.
Our dive failed to be a great success as, even with his whole weight placed on top of me, we failed to sink me below a few meters. Quite frustrating.
But then again, there was not much to see besides for brown water and a few rare glimpses of some small fishes.
The sauna felt like a purifying blessing after that adventure into the depths of my mind.
I had passed a step.
Taken a leap.
As the sweat dripped from my nose, I knew it was time to cool down.
The shower poured fresh water onto my steaming skin. Then that fragrance wrapped my head as I rubbed the shampoo into my hair. The creamy scented foam ran down my body and vanished beyond the silvery grate punctured with outrageously large holes.
That smell lit a burning desire to spend this summer in Finland again.
I yearned to feel the unexplainably soft lake water surround the tip of my toes and fingers as I let them hang over the sides of the rowing boat. I couldn’t keep my mind from wandering into the velvety summer air that is so characteristic of Finnish summer days and nights. The wind, so gentle. The light, so tender. The tastes, so simple yet endlessly entertaining.
My whole body screamed for a Finnish summer again.
But my plans are taking me to Asia.
Far, to lands I do not know, in the middle of people whose words I do not understand.
For some minutes, soaked in a blissfully warm shower, I doubted and let a whiff of fear pass through me.
